let's give em something to talk about.

i honestly don't know why i titled this post the way i did...just go with it. i have had a lot on my mind as of late (well, and as per usual). my life, while quite wonderful, needs more. i've known for a long time that i don't want to be a teacher forever. in fact, i'm just...over it. i love, love, love my students don't get me wrong, but there are other things that hold my heart. i'm afraid that i'm falling into whatever is convenient (i.e. teaching) because i need money and i like kids. i'm too young to settle! i finally feel like i have a dream again, and i want so badly for it to actually happen. my tender lil' heart can't take any more professional let down. ah, my dreams. they intoxicate me with their haunting aroma (anchorman, anyone?) and yet, i feel so lost when it comes to accomplishing them. the crazy thing is, i honestly haven't felt like i've "had a dream" or something that i've wanted to aspire to for a while. it was all about being practical, what was "realistic". how on earth can i tell my kids to dream big if all i ever do is what is safe, expected? talk about worst teacher of the year award if that is the case! i've been ordering books on amazon (sorry bank account) all about what i LOVE studying, i've been looking at graduate programs (there goes any semblance of financial security), and i've been talking to my students more and more about what it is that fires me up. dude, and ever since my senior year of college, it has been women's issues. specifically, reproductive/maternal health issues. and yet, you wouldn't know that i care about it AT ALL. how very sad that you can live life completely denying something you know in your soul to be so important and just keep living the plain ol' basic life you got. i know i'm rambling, but what i'm actually trying to verbalize is that i am done making excuses for why i'm not doing what i love, what i care about. i'm done sitting at home, wishing that i was somewhere else actually doing something meaningful. i'm going to do it. plain and simple. someone want to help me? :)

the butterfly circus.

do yourself a favor, stop reading this and watch "the butterfly circus" on youtube. you'll need about 15 minutes and a handy supply of tissues. do it. now. okay, so now that you've watched, i'll give you some notes on my personal experience with this beautiful little gem. i was sitting in mr. mendes's class, as i always do at 8:30 am, and he tells his class that we are going to be watching this short film. i assumed it was going to be humorous, simply because that is the way things usually go down in the 8th grade room. boy was i wrong. using the symbolism of the butterfly, the film expressed the beauty in overcoming tragedy and personal struggles with the wise ringmaster saying, "The greater the sorrow, the greater the triumph." COME ON. how true and beautiful is that?! like i always do, i related this to my life. as a teacher, i want to be the person who tells my kids it is absolutely okay to let their freak flags fly and that they should be the kind of people that let others do the same. there is something so basically human about the idea that it struck a major chord. i do my job because i want my kids to recognize that they have greatness within them, no matter how they might feel about themselves. so rewind to 8:52 and me bawling like a baby in a room full of 8th graders. like a BABY. like, sobbing. mr. mendes at one point was like, "uh, I'm sorry Alex". it was one of those moments that i don't want to forget, as embarrassing as it was. we need to be kinder to ourselves and to others. and trust me, i'm the first person in line at the "i need to get better at this" store.

in other news, i really, truly think the book is in the works. i was throwing around titles yesterday...none of them seemed right. we are painting the living room pewter (looks phenom), and i may be going to see the musical loves of my life mumford & sons on monday. oh dear sweet banjo, how i love thee. and if anyone would like to step in as my professional life coach, i'm down. after a mini-meltdown yesterday (don't act like you don't have them, too) i'm ready to tackle productive next steps...ha.

fate is happening as we speak.

holy crap. it is rare for me to have experiences where I truly know that some sort of divine intervention has taken place but ladies and gentlemen, I am one humbled 24 year old who has seen the light...and sounds like a southern Baptist preacher apparently. It all started with a fateful Halloween night where I was stranded amongst strangers (sounds worse than it actually was. and as a matter of fact, it was pretty fun). I had gone to a girl in my ward's house to embark upon Halloween festivities- the first being the local haunted house. After waiting for almost an hour to get into this 2 minute maze (which again, sounds worse than it actually was. color me impressed by that side yard haunted house)I was able to go through the maze in a group of four. 3 boys. and me. One of these particular gentlemen literally latched himself onto me like a human leech. Nice guy but MY GOSH. If he knew me at all, he'd know that a haunted house groping isn't my thing (unless I'm the one doing the groping if you know what I'm sayin'. again, an off-color joke. my apologies). The real exciting part of the evening came after the haunted house...and as I was typing this I realized that you really don't care as much as I do about the intricate details of my ol' Hallows Eve. So I'll spare you. Fast forward to last night. I'm sitting in the cultural hall listening to the words of a woman who had survived internment in a Japanese concentration camp during WWII. This woman's mother truly sounded like the most impressive human being to have ever walked the planet. Such faith. Faith I can't even begin to understand. As this sister spoke, it was like a light clicked on in my head. I knew what it meant to truly love God and to stand as a witness of Him. Her words also made me grateful I'm not a mother yet- dude talk about feeling inadequate if that would have been the case. Her experiences illustrated vague concepts that I have yet to really understand in my very limited life experience. But even this isn't the climax of the story...and again I realize that this is girlie muttering that nooooo onnnneee wants to hear. Suffice it to say, I had a good night. And I'm pretty excited. And I don't get excited often. Time is a tricky thing. I've been reflecting on how time goes so fast (stupid darkness at 6pm doesn't help) and how it is our struggle to make the most of the time we have. This is coming from the girl who collapses on her bed at 7pm, too exhausted to even read. How lame am I? Despite my best intentions, it seems as though time is what always slips away from me. It is a scary thought. I mean, I'm getting up there in years. And though I'd never admit it in the real world, I thought I was going to be an adorable 19 year old forever. I still feel like that girl, albeit that girl trapped inside the body of a 72 year old divorcee. This week has been a study in trying to figure out how to make the most of my time, however, and I have to say, I've been doing a better job. Here are my tips: 1. Actually fulfill all of your obligations meeting-wise. It sucks in the moment (sometimes) but has really helped me focus already this week. 2. Write in a planner (see photo, and yes, this is really how "organized" I am)

3. Make time to talk to good friends 4. Call old people. It makes them feel good and it is one thing on your to do list that will take all of 10 minutes to complete. 5. Don't blog at school. This doesn't apply. And yet, it does. 6. Have a good book on hand for spare minutes. It makes you feel better than watching television ever will. That's all, really. Time is something I wish I had more of. And yet, I feel like I have too much on my hands sometimes. Being productive=biggest struggle of my life. Pathetic? Ehh, I've seen worse. I bring up the whole time thing because my brushes with fate (and I really don't feel like I'm exaggerating when I say brushes with fate) have made me think about how I want to spend my time, and how the people I want to spend my time with are spending their time. Confusing yet? It is that balance between being and doing awesome things and being that quiet, kind of lame girl that I'm STILL trying to find after all of these years. Speaking of cool girls...

This here is an absolutely lovely friend that I was able to visit a few weeks back. I put this sexy shot of her up because I am in the process of trying to get better at taking pictures of people. If you'd like me to snap some shots for you, I'd love it. Just another thing to add to the planner...

consider me savoring life twice.

A wise person once said, "We write to taste life twice..." I couldn't agree more. However, that wise person is actually the anonymous quote printed on the outside of my Target-purchased journal. It is fitting that I inaugurate my new blog with such an auspicious statement. I do, in fact, write so I can savor the little things about my life again, remember the little smiles and the big laughs. I tell my beautiful 7th graders every day that who they are matters, what they do matters and it is this blog that is helping me to reclaim some of that ethereal statement for myself. I can promise laughs with this blog. I can promise a random photo or two. I can promise legit classroom tips (and maybe some not so legit ones...). I can promise a good book review or two, or three, or four...But above all, I can promise that these simple ramblings will give a peek into the life of a 20-something who is trying to figure life out. It isn't pretty, despite my (at times) desperate attempts to make it appear otherwise. In a moment of full disclosure, I'll admit that I'm a lost person. Not lost in the proverbial, prodigal son type way, but rather in the sense that I've thrown myself into a new life and I have to eek my way around to figure out what it is I truly love, what it is I want to be. It is a good lost. A lost that I most definitely thought would be over by now, but am slowly coming to terms with. It is surprisingly hard for me, even with my love of change and adventure, to adapt to a new environment. I've hemmed and hawed over my life here. I've loved it, and I've hated it. Through it all, I've had the overwhelming feeling that I am a complete, total work in progress. Disconcerting, to say the least. To see myself in this light is altogether refreshing and daunting. For so long I've wanted to be the final draft, the finished product. I am so not the final draft. So please tell me you aren't either. Please? A new blog for a new life in a new(ish) place and a new(ish) job. One could say that I am like unto Lewis & Clark, blazing a trail across an uncharted wilderness. Well, maybe I'll just say that. I'll slap ya with some anecdotes...If you know me at all, you know that I am complete social-phobe. I can already hear the chorus of you (okay, the pair of you. I'm real when it comes to who will actually be reading this)shouting, nooo you are totally sociable! It may be so, fine readers and friends, but let me tell you, it is absolutely NERVE WRACKING for me to go anywhere where I know I'll have to mingle. It kills me. I worry about it all day. So, FHE rolled around this past Monday, and let me tell you, I was dreading it something fierce. But because I love fulfilling my calling, I put on my killer whale costume and manned up. Amidst an alarming amount of small talk, I was able to turn conversations to my pet topics (Nazi Germany and the startling comparisons to modern-day government, orcas, etc.) I felt like a rockstar. It is strange how actually talking to another human being about the things you geek out on can make you feel oddly satisfied. And so this week started off with an unexpected liveliness. Cut to Wednesday. Some dear girl was kind enough to invited me out for Halloween festivities. Out came the ol' killer whale costume again. And long story short, I was my sassy, irreverent self...and it worked. Weird how when you stop trying so hard to be nice that things fall into place. It is counterintuitive. When I try to be nice, I'm so boring that other people literally fall asleep while pretending to listen to me. Weird. I'm never being nice again. Odd conclusions to draw from the week, I know. Another thread throughout my week was found in the novel Gilead by Marilynne Robinson. The novel is a letter written from the perspective of aging Reverend John Ames to his young son. It is a thoroughly profound text, with symbolism and beautiful passages. But in the vein of learning about my week, here is the passage that really cut to the core of me (and no, that was not an Anchorman reference. although Baxter does always cut to the core of Ron...): "This is an important thing, which I have told many people, and which my father told me, and which his father told him. When you encounter another person, when you have dealings with anyone at all, it is as if a question is being put to you. So you must think, What is the Lord asking of me in this moment, in this situation? If you confront insult or antagonism, your first impulse will be to respond in kind. But if you think, as it were, This is an emissary sent from the Lord, and some benefit is intended for me, first of all the occasion to demonstrate my faithfulness, the chance to show that I do in some small degree participate in the grace that saved me, you are free to act otherwise than as circumstances would seem to dictate. You are free to act by your own lights. You are freed at the same time of the impulse to hate or resent that person. He would probably laugh at the thought that the Lord sent him to your for your benefit (and his), but that is the perfection of the disguise, his own ignorance of it." Woah. What a beautiful way to see people. While I was not complete successful, as I went throughout my day looking at others in this way, I was able to feel more at peace and in control of situations. Seriously good stuff. Novel is chock full of it. Like I said much earlier (hopefully you are still reading)I am writing to savor life twice. I'm writing to help find out where I fit into this puzzle of life. I am writing to get inspired, to finally maybe start that book or embark on that new adventure. When push comes to shove, I'm just the girl on 17th street. This whole endeavor may seem silly to you, but maybe, just maybe you will end up feeling something after reading this and you will better appreciate who you are, what you are doing. Warmest Regards from 17th.